Time
by dokushoka79
Summary: Joan finds that thoughts running a marathon in your head, a stomachache and a rain storm are not conducive to falling asleep.


Title: Time  
  
Author: dokushoka79  
  
Rating: G  
  
Spoilers: Up to A Night without Stars  
  
Category: General  
  
Summary: Sleep is eluding Joan because of the thoughts running relentlessly in her head.  
  
Disclaimers: Joan of Arcadia and characters belong to Barbara Hall, CBS and Sony Pictures. This is for pure entertainment. No profit being made.  
  
A/N: Last time it was a snow storm this time it is a rain storm that was plagued my life. Well, my sleep actually. I don't think watching the latest episode of JoA helped either because the thoughts of the episode kept running in my head. This episode really got to me not just because of the appearance of Iris but just everything. The "bad emotions" that was throughout the show. It made me think and I wondered if I could be one of the lucky ones that little girl God was talking about. Anyhow, instead of just laying in bed I typed this up and I finally fell asleep close to 3am. So yeah, this may not be the best story but I just wanted to get it out there. Please be kind if you review ^_~  
  
God escorted me home in silence, allowing me some time to absorb all that has happened. I giggle at the thought of me trying to make small talk with God during our walk home. I don't think small talk can ever happen between me and God. But I appreciated the silence and the comfort of the small hand holding on to mine. I got home and had dinner by myself. Everyone had eaten already. Take out again. Mom was in the living room going over her lesson plan when I went up to bed. I didn't eat much, I just excused myself and complained of a stomachache. No lie. I really did have a stomachache but it wasn't food induced. It was just an ache. A dull ache. I feel cold inside, almost empty. I stayed in my room the whole night. I didn't go back downstairs or watched TV. I just stayed in my room with my thoughts. For awhile I paced my room trying to work everything out in my head but I couldn't pull anything together. I grew tired with my thinking. My eyes were droopy but when I lay in my bed to sleep, it eluded me.  
  
It is now 2am. I've been tossing and turning in my bed for almost four hours. There is a storm brewing outside. I think the howling wind is conspiring with my thoughts to keep sleep away from me. My thoughts are still running through my mind like it's on a marathon. My thoughts are mostly about emotions. The emotions I feel, what everyone is feeling. Good and bad. Those that weigh us down. I also think about what God told me earlier. I ask myself if I am one of the lucky ones. If my emotions become a heavy burden can I set them down or will I use them to throw it back and hurt those that I love?  
  
I sit up in bed and glance at my window. The curtains are not drawn but I see lightening flash against it and soon the loud boom of thunder follows. I slowly get out of bed. I grab my robe and put it around me. I pick up my mp3 player and walk out of my room. I go downstairs and settle myself on the living room couch. I hug my knees to my chest and just lay my head down on them. I set my mp3 player next to me and I listen to the contrast of the silence of the house to the wind outside.  
  
Sometimes a person finds solace in their thoughts but mine doesn't bring that to me. This is the first time I've sat in silence for so long and just let my thoughts run through me. The dull ache in my stomach is still present and I jokingly tell myself that this stomachache is the reason why I don't do this often. But seriously...I know that the reason I don't do this more often is because I am scared to face the emotions that I do feel. I usually let my day to day life carry me forward. But ever since God started visiting me and giving me assignments, that's when I started to live life with open eyes. I realize this now. I've begun to be more aware of my surroundings. I'm not going to say that I'm getting better at dealing with emotions or my surroundings. I'm just beginning to learn how to do that. But rather I'm just more aware. Every time I think I've gotten the hang of things I get thrown a curve ball.  
  
"Recreation" and "grace" are two things that have learned about but have yet to fully grasp. I know that I need this time of silence to "recreate" and to "redefine". I just wish it was easier. I wish my feelings for Adam were easy to sift through and define but it's not. I wish for many things but I know that they can't be granted because these are things that I need to work out in time. The eeriness of the silence finally gets to me so I put my headphones on ears and turn my mp3 player on. I listen to the song that comes on and after the first verse I begin to smile. I look up and say out loud "Great choice" and I continue to listen to the song until the end.  
  
***Time, where did you go?  
  
***Why did you leave me here alone?  
  
***Wait, don't go so fast  
  
***I'm missing the moments as they pass  
  
***Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer  
  
***So wait for me this time  
  
***I'm down I'm down on my knees I'm begging for all your sympathy  
  
***But you (I'm just an illusion) you don't seem to care (I wish that I could)  
  
***You humble people everywhere (I don't mean to hurt you)  
  
***Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer  
  
***I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning  
  
***So wait for me this time  
  
***I should've know better  
  
***I shouldn't have wasted those days  
  
***And afternoons and mornings  
  
***I threw them all away  
  
***Now this is my time  
  
***I'm going to make this moment mine.  
  
***(I shouldn't have wasted those days)  
  
***I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning  
  
***I've looked in the mirror  
  
***My world's getting clearer  
  
***So wait for me this time  
  
When the song ends a thought hits me and I begin to formulate in my mind something for me and my family to do later in the day. It is Valentine's Day and who better to spend it with than with the people I love the most? I think it is time we did something together as a family again and maybe tomorrow I can set some recreation time between me and my friends. I think it's time. My eyes begin to droop and I feel that sleep is within my grasp. I stretch out on the couch and I let it wash over me. I have hope for the future and for now I've attained some peace of mind. I finally close my eyes and drift off to sleep. 


End file.
